A year ago I was driving down the streets of Purdue’s campus wondering why I had returned to this place and why it made me feel so miserable. I had missed 2nd semester of my freshman year for a military obligation and I returned to campus 7 months later, ready to start sophomore year. The friends I had made my first semester had dissipated because I had been gone for so many months and our initial friendship was only for a semester. So I came back to a place where I would need to rebuild friendships and I came back to school in a toxic, long distance relationship.
I lived off campus for the first time in a house full of people who rarely- if ever, spoke to me. It was a whole new environment of loneliness for me. A few months in, I felt weighed down, but it wasn’t necessarily school- rather the things I was allowing in my life. I remember going to my academic advisor and asking him if I should transfer schools in order to be happier, or if I could graduate early. He helped me switch to degree in 3 and I happily piled on roughly 21 credits in one semester. It was the distraction I thought I needed and how I felt about finishing school was the motivation I needed. My academic advisor- Andre was literally a life saver and an angel who helped me figure out life & promised me he would make sure I enjoyed my time at Purdue, sadly he passed away the beginning of this semester, but I will always remember him being the reason I stayed at Purdue.
Now back to building friends- I tried my hardest to meet people, I looked up Bible studies, I looked up art clubs, photography clubs, music clubs- you name it. I just wanted to fill my schedule with things that would distract me from going back to my house where no one spoke to me. I wanted to build friendships but it ended up being a lot harder than I thought – especially being in a toxic relationship that at certain points told me to cut off family members and friends.
I had lost sight of the person I had been and my faith started to slip. I felt suffocated. I felt like there was a huge void between me and God. One of my friends passed away and I didn’t know how to handle it. I knew that cutting off people in my family was a huge mistake, they were my emotional support system at the time. I didn’t feel like myself, my family told me I wasn’t acting like myself. I had experiences that broke me down further and at that point you just gotta wonder how many people God needs to place in your life for character development. It sure felt like a lot. Thank goodness for perseverance and for God gifting me with the ability to persevere through everything life has tossed my way.
You might be wondering, why is Holly writing this? It’s because as I was driving through campus today, my junior year, the song Rescue by Lauren Daigle came on. And this year I am the happiest I’ve ever been at school. I live with amazing girls that are becoming some of my closest friends. I have a healthy, Christ-centered relationship with someone who is a complete breath of fresh air and makes me realize what a relationship is truly meant to be. My bond with my family is strong. I have an awesome Christ filled community on campus. I love my classes and my schedule isn’t overwhelming. This song- Rescue- was something I had played over and over last year. It was a song that helped me in my broken moments. It was a song that made me feel like maybe God knew I was breaking down and maybe He heard my prayers. It was a song that spoke exactly to my heart.
It’s crazy to me that last year, driving down the streets of campus, I could not wait to graduate. I could not wait to leave. I was in a lonely place. Now, this year, I drive the streets of campus and I love my school. I love the people I have here. Sometimes it’s not the place you’re in that’s bad, sometimes you need a perspective change. Sometimes you need to get out of that toxic relationship or friendship that’s cutting off your access to fresh air.
Purdue was never a bad school, it was my own brokenness that made me view everything as miserable. Now I see that God intentionally placed me here and He had a plan from the start. Sometimes we want to ask God, why are you letting me go through this? I think God gives us battles to remind us that we need Him, but also to make us grow- and even in all the pain of last year- I am grateful for my growth. Every person that I have met on this journey taught me something, even if it was through pain. I don’t hold anything against anyone because I know that they were also in a process of growth and that I could never fully understand their journey.
If you’re stuck in a place of brokenness, hang in there. I promise that life is more than messy moments, it’s also joyful moments. God can take your life and flip it around. Just know if you feel drained, alone or broken – you’re not alone, there’s someone waiting to fight your battles with you. Some of you might be reading this and think- wow, this is way too long and personal for her to have shared. I understand that and everyone is entitled to their own perspective- but I also want to remind you that sharing your story is way more than okay. If sharing my struggles helps someone in theirs, than I am more than okay with sharing my own vulnerability. Be open to sharing yours in your own time.
And if you ever need to chat- send me a message! All love💛
Holl